8.12.2004

Understanding

I can't claim any honorable intentions when it comes to why I got into astrology. I was too skeptical to give it a fair evaluation. When I began looking into it, I was hoping to could be used as a kind of practical marketing ploy. Or to put it more bluntly: I was hoping to manipulate people who wanted to believe in it.

Skepticism and practicality have often worked well for my personal concerns, but at times those same traits bring out a detached attitude that is not concerned with morality as much as ruthless actuality. Dog-eat-dog and all that.

But I did secretly hope astrology could do more (not that I would admit that, even to myself). I have always found myself placing little emphasis on superficial human interaction...while I don't devalue casual relationships, I tend to consider them expendable. But the desire to actually know another human being has always been a focus of mine. I have long wanted to break past misunderstanding and confusion and truly understand what it was like to see through someone else's eyes.

You could also charge me with being an idealist and a egoist, and you'd probably be right on both counts. I have not lived a sheltered life, nor one bereft of terrible displays of tragedy, loss, and anguish. But I can't shake the feeling that a people do desire love and grace and goodness in life, and that the majority of individuals would not define themselves as evil for evil's sake, although they may do bad things, and willfully, and even often. But so much of that seems to come from responding to negatives: desperation, loneliness, fear, and the like. Those same people, I believe, would just as likely show the greatest evidence of human brilliance if they felt they had the real freedom to shine.

Or maybe that's just me.

Either way, I would not have gotten into astrology for idealism. Such a pursuit had to serve a pragmatic purpose, first and foremost, and hence my initial interest in using astrology as a psychological ploy. It was safer and wiser, too, to deny astrology outright on the grounds of sensibility and science. That is, until it I realized it did make sense.

I remember the turning point clearly. That may be a story for another time, but for now I'll just say that, after four years of calculating how it could be used to make money off the ego and convictions of others, every thought I had of using astrology for selfish and financial gain vanished in a few moments. The change came hand-in-hand with the realization that I actually did hold some knowledge...and not just any knowledge, but a profound tool capable of giving me a wealth of insight into another person's character, with or without their blessing. Though more capable of manipulation than I had ever imagined, it was something to be handled with care, responsibility, respect, and honor.

How ironic.

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